Edward Elric: Secret Agent Unicorn
by Fluehatraya
Summary: On a dark and stormy night, cast out from Winry's house, a strange change occurs to Edward. Follow our protagonist as he adjusts to a new life and comes to meet his destiny! Part crack, part serious, ALL UNICORNS.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. This is a mix between the manga (Brotherhood to those familiar only to the anime) and complete AU.**

Dark clouds roiled above the earth like the coils of a great serpent, twisting and sliding. Water fell in heavy sheets and lightning licked at the fringes of clouds, accompanied by a distance rumbling sound. It was during this stormy night that Edward Elric, age sixteen, was booted out of the Rockbell residence. He leapt to his feet and whipped around to face the door just in time for his suitcase to fly out and hit him in the face, knocking him back onto the muddy ground.

"I am not a ditz!" Winry shouted after him and then slammed the door closed, barring him from the warm and dry confines of the house.

Groaning, Edward Elric shoved his suitcase off of him and sat up, letting out an exclamation of disgust as he noticed the mud that clung tenaciously to him and the fact that he was only become more and more wet. Cold too, the shelterless alchemist thought to himself as he tugged his trademark cloak closer to his body despite the filth on it. He shuddered at a loud peal of thunder and looked up, seeing the lightning flick through the dark mass above.

With a strand of grumbled curses followed by a retired sight, Ed picked himself up and looked to the door. Stooping down, he hefted his suitcase up by the handle and walked over to the door, rapping on it with the knuckles of his metal hand. There wasn't a single response. So now they were just pretending to ignore him, were they?

Stalking over to the side of the house, he looked into a window that lit a patch of ground outside with lamplight streaming through. From a crack in the curtains framing it, he could just see his younger brother arguing with Winry. Was Al trying to defend him? Oh, he had such a great sibling!

His momentarily uplifted face turned to a scowl as he saw Alphonse hang his head and start dragging his feet to the stairs. Looks like Winry had gotten her way again.

Sniffing, partly from insult and partly from a cold he was sure he felt coming on, Edward shifted his suitcase to his automail hand and slung it over his shoulder, walking off. There was a forest nearby, just beyond a meadow that was really lovely during nice weather, and he figured he could take shelter in the hollow of a tree for a night. He had put up with worse, and he did have his alchemy.

However, halfway through the meadow, pushing his way through long grasses that waved and thrashed violently in a picking up wind, he heard the oddest sound, as if a herd of horses were rampaging through right next to him. He swore he could even feel the vibrations! However, looking around he spotted nothing. He was all by his lonesome self, in a dark expanse of wild grass that suddenly seemed much larger than it had been before.

Shivering, Edward moved to continue for the forest, but could only manage to take one step before a high-pitched whinny of terror sounded in his ears. Next thing he knew, he was passing out as a white-hot pain erupted from his forehead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.**

~Section Divider~

The rowboat rose high up on the crest of the tall wave, and its single passenger clutched desperately to the bulwarks as he huddled down. A stinging knife of cold scraped against his bones as it slipped effortlessly through his flesh, and his sopping wet clothes clung to him, making him look pitifully small in the vast expanse of choppy slate waves.

Edward cried out, but his voice was snatched away by the wind that screamed in his face and cackled as it swept past him, as the rowboat toppled down with the descent of the wave. A heavy collision as he went from airborne to hitting the water knocked the breath out of him, and he groaned, barely capable of keeping his grip on the vessel.

Another frigid wave rose up and overwhelmed him and the boat. So cold . . . the ship was splintered . . . and he was swallowed up by the ocean.

~Section Divider~

". . . up . . . get up . . ." A lilting voice called out to Edward seemingly from a great distance, as he stared blankly up at the water above him from where he was suspended, only a single ray of light to be seen.

_It's so comfortable though . . ._ Ed sighed wistfully to himself in his mind. However, the voice continued nagging him. At first he ignored it, although he came to be perceptive of his surroundings unlike before, such as how he was jostled gently side-to-side by a rocking motion, and that it was pleasantly cool.

Now, Edward was a great deal of things, loving and faithful for example. However, he was also short-tempered and prone to physically and verbally expressing this. Certainly, temperance was not a word that one could describe the alchemist by, unless they stuck the words 'not possessing of' or a similar substitute before it.

It was not long before the voice had really grated on his nerves. Unable to take it anymore, he started swimming his way to the surface, not realizing that his metal limbs were not weighing him down along with the fact that he had not died from a lack of oxygen after spending what had seemed to be a couple of hours without drawing a breath.

And could anyone blame him, really? He had the owner of an irritating voice to pummel.

~Section Divider~

The moment Edward surfaced, a lance of pain stabbed through his forehead and he yelped out of surprise as he woke up, slapping his hands to his forehead, which still sent out waves of pain rippling out from a single point. However, his effort was halted by another's hand getting in the way, followed with a loud shout and the feeling of a warm liquid dribbling down his face.

"Curses!" The presumed owner of the hand spat, a bit too vehemently for such a mild word expressing the pain he was currently feeling. However, Ed ignored everything else as a single thought leapt to the forefront of his mind. It was that voice! Much clearer now, he could tell that it was a man's, as effeminate as it was, and possessing of an accent that even the well-traveled Fullmetal Alchemist could not recall ever hearing the likes of.

Ed growled as he opened his eyes after the pain had receded for the most part, hearing two pairs of footsteps. However, one of the newcomers bent his head back (the alchemist would have resisted, but the way he was sprawled on the ground impeded his actions) with a cool hand that felt slim but strong, to the point that he might have suspected it as automail if it had the same metallic feel to it, while the other that had come over gently but firmly pried Edward's arms away before pulling back that of the voice's owner. The alchemist had a clear view of his right hand from his position out of the corner of his eyes, and wondered at the tear in the fabric and dent in the metal of the artificial body part. His automail was very durable, and he could not remember it being there before . . .

Edward's eyes snapped open as he remembered the events of - was it the night before (for he could see by the watery light of what appeared to be dawn)? - being kicked out of Winry's house, heading for the forest . . . the strange sensations . . .

Now Ed had never taken drugs before, but he heard accounts of what it was like, and wondered if he had been under their influence somehow.

He could worry about that later. For now he had to assess his situation. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back and sat up, absentmindedly wiping away the liquid from his face and not noticing the dark stain it left on the sleeve of his red coat. Alright, so it appeared that his estimation of it being dawn was correct, and apparently he had been moved from the meadow to the fringe of the forest. He also happened to be in the company of three strangers, one of which had an annoying voice.

Now that he was in a better position, Edward looked away from the ground to the three. One of the women hunched over the man's hand, which the alchemist noted had a very large and clean hole gushing blood going straight through it, holding her own hands out above them. His eyebrows were raised at the white glow seemingly issuing forth from them to surround the injured hand. Maybe the drugs, if they were the culprits behind this, weren't entirely out of his system. Or maybe the lady had a flashlight hidden in the sleeve of her plain medieval-style white dress, suspiciously clean considering their surroundings. He decided to take a closer look, and noted that all of them had long silver hair and glacier blue eyes. Had it not been for the latter feature and their pallid skin, he might have almost mistaken them as Ishbalites. Almost being if he squinted, that is.

"So, is this a kidnapping? 'Cause I don't have any parents to pay for my ransom, if you must know." Edward stated.

The people whose company he was in shot him an 'are you stupid?' look, and the alchemist had the foreboding sense that this situation, whatever it was, would be long and aggravating. Considering how he and painful situations had a gravitational pull towards one another, he should not have been surprised.

~Section Divider~

**Author's Note:**

**Woah, I finally got another chapter out! This is thanks to anyone and everyone that has paid attention to this story, since I wouldn't continue writing it if nobody read it. I hope to get the next chapter out much more promptly, where Ed will be introduced to further stupidity, and learn that some physical changes are almost as bad as puberty.**


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